SHHHH!!

Did you hear that? Listen, did you actually hear that? A moment of silence in a household with kids coming and going all the time. That usually means trouble. If you have ever listened to a group of parental figures talking about their home life, one of them will certainly come up with the phrase, “I don’t worry as long as there is noise. It’s when it gets quiet that I go looking.” How very true it is. However, did you ever sit and listen to the noise?
The everyday noise of people is chocked full of what is really happening in the world around us. People are worried, happy, angry, sad, broke, lonely, wealthy, lucky, etc. In a crowded mall, you can see every possible emotion there is. But the trick is to be able to identify it. Who’s lying, who’s telling the truth, who wants help, who just wants to rant and rave? We as adults listen to each other, and make remarks in our own minds as to what we truly think of any given situation. We react to each other in the way we THINK the other person needs us to, or how we would want someone to react if it were our problem.
But have you ever sat and listened to a group of children playing? Listened to the conversation between the Barbie’s and GI Joes. Listened to how the car races around the corner and what the driver says when he meets up with a roadblock. Listened to what ingredients go into the imaginary dinner they are preparing? I don’t mean in the “Oh how cute” listening way. I mean really heard what is behind the words. Kids tell us what is going on in their minds by the way they play. That’s the first form of self-expression they learn, and so often, it is never heard. We see the surface value of the situation, but never hear what these small adults are telling us.
For example, easy now everyone, this is a story about myself. I played with Barbies until I was a teenager. (Don’t worry girls I won’t tell how old I really was). Looking back now, I realize how badly I was trying to tell anyone who would listen that I felt out of place and was alone. I always had one doll that would get left behind at home, always have the worst of the doll clothes. Never got to go on a date with Ken. That doll was me. I saw everyone else as having a good time in life, always having a boyfriend, always wearing the very latest styles, having the cool house and cars. Don’t get me wrong, I had a nice house, everything I ever asked for in due time, and once I bloomed I wasn’t hard on the eyes. BUT I KNEW I WAS DIFFERENT SOMEHOW. I was extremely shy, and very sheltered from the world. I would see the other girls walking down main streets in town, while I was in the car with my parents, hear about the dances, or sleep-overs they had on the weekend, but that I wasn’t invited to. I always had one friend at a time, and when that friend left me for “better friends”, I had myself. I was alone. I had to entertain myself, be my own best friend, share my secrets and dreams with my dog. I needed someone to think I was special and worth their time. But no one heard me. I cannot imagine what I would have turned out to be if someone had heard me.
If you take that time to listen to kids play, and something triggers inside your head and you ACTUALLY understand why the Playdoh person always “looks fat” or why the pretend dinner is a never ending supply of food, or why that one particular action figure has to stay at the window and watch as the others save the planet, then you’re one step closer to being able to talk honestly and openly to kids. It won’t work with all of them. Let’s be realistic here. Some people are never understood, and it would probably scare us to death if we did understand them. But for the most part, talking starts with listening. We have to figure out what is bothering, troubling, scaring, concerning, our kids before we can even think about trying to talk about it with them.
This in no way means we should spy on our kids or eaves drop on phone conversations or have their rooms wired for constant viewing via installed cameras. They are individuals who need their privacy too. But when they talk out loud or play around you, listen. A lot of the time, nothing is there. It’s just play or gossip or whatever, just like with adults. But sometimes, there is a recurring theme, a conversation that only changes a very little bit, but is repeated to everyone who comes around. Why is that story so important to retell? Why is the theme behind the playtime ALWAYS the same? It’s the recurring items, like dreams, that we should hear. Perhaps that one gets left behind because the new baby has to have so much done for it, that the older sibling feels left out, when you THOUGHT you were giving him/her the same amount of attention as always. Why all of a sudden is bed wetting a problem? Sure it could be a medical condition, but think about it, especially if you have a new baby. Babies have to have their diapers changed, and what does Mom/Dad usually do? Tickle, cuddle, and talk to the baby while changing the diaper. The older sibling doesn’t get that kind of attention because they don’t use diapers anymore. Therefore wetting the bed happens. I am NOT saying go into the bathroom with the older child and do those same things you would with a baby while changing their diaper. But perhaps find someway of giving that child the snuggles and cuddles while they are doing an older sibling thing. They need to feel special for what they CAN do that the baby can’t.

It’s all in the listening that we can see the problem and learn to teach ourselves to talk about it.